Believe it or not, I am better than I was......

I am back. This has been one of the most difficult years of my life.

I am in a financial crisis, which is not new for me, but this time, I have no job, no boyfriend or family to back me up if things get dire. And they are dire now. I could not do my craft shows for several months due to my broken ankle and now that I am doing them again, everyone is broke, so they are not buying. I had an investment that went bankrupt, so the last of my money is gone.

My cat, Grace, died. She had been ill for months with a thyroid and heart condition, taking meds twice a day. But she took a turn for the worse and was not going to get better.

Many friends have died or are critically ill.

I was housebound with a broken ankle for nearly 3 months, relying on friends for food, water and many chores around the house. I see that I can no longer live out here in the woods alone. It is life threatening. I watched a movie that really hit home last night called Grey Gardens. It is about a mother and daughter who were related to Jackie Kennedy. Based on a true story, it shows their descent from high society to penury. A house once filled with music, cocktails and guests, becomes a stinking repository of garbage and animals urinating everywhere. Very sad and depressing. I looked around my place here and saw that things are definitely deteriorating and I do not have the resources to maintain the house or the yard. I am considering moving into senior housing and selling the house for whatever I can get for it.

My lover/friend of twenty years just dropped out of my life with no explanation. He is out of the country right now and I cannot afford to call him. Also, I could not bear it if he did not take my call, so I am not going to do it.

I am depressed, heart-broken, cold, and feel that life has no meaning or purpose. We are just here to suffer, period.

What makes it harder in many ways is that I am surrounded by all these people who 'are praying for me' or 'sending me light' or encouraging me to 'change my attitude'. It drives me crazy.

Here I am in a freezing house (I cannot afford more propane, so I'm saving it to cook with), recycling my toilet paper for God's sake, and cooking beans every other day.... I know, at least I have a house, water, beans, a stove. And I get 'change your attitude' from people who have never suffered one minute of their lives. They have always lived in comfort.

I know we need rain, but a couple of weeks ago, during that storm, I had a collision with a downed tree and my insurance company is saying it was my fault and so raising my insurance. Hitting the tree was the safest option considering the road I was on. It took taking it in twice to get the repairs right and although most of it was covered by insurance, I still had to come up with a deductible. Thanks to a kind friend who had just given me a financial gift that I was planning to use for food, I had enough to make the deductible. So, I got my car fixed, but I don't have the money to put gas in it so I can use it. Maybe I should move into the car.

Oh yes, and the guaranteed roof job I had done a couple of years ago, continued to leak over my bed. I don't like it when it rains. I am totally dreading this winter, because I could not pay my flood insurance and I think we are due for a flood out here. I live 3 feet from a creek that goes over every few years.

I can just hear you now saying...."Don't be negative, change your attitude. Think positive." Do you really think that makes any difference? Do you really believe in "The Law of Attraction?" What if you want something good and your neighbor who hates you wants a tree to fall on your house? Whose LOA wins? Is it only good stuff that happens? If so, then you can think all the negative stuff you want.

I'd really like to hear from those who 'know' this is true. I'd like to hear what you have to say about it. So.... now that I am thinking negatively, do I have to feel bad about that too? I feel what I feel. I try to do what I can each moment to feel better. Sometimes that means 'stopping thought'. I am beginning to see 'losing your mind' as a good thing. Who wants to remember anything? Forget it all. Just breathe in and breathe out. No thoughts. Bliss. Forget the unpayable bills. Be Here Now. Maybe the whole thing is just a dream. We will all wake up to a happy life.

Tears, Tea, and Tomatoes

I have not been posting for awhile for a number of reasons. One being that I have been in a funk. My cat, Grace, took a downturn and had to be 'put to sleep' a couple of weeks ago. I have been so sad and missing her so much that it has been paralyzing.

The state of the world and my personal life have led me to believe that life is meaningless and that everything I have been doing is worthless. Knowing at a deeper level that these thoughts are a trick and that I must not succumb to them, I have been spending more time with friends and going to Master Gardener activities, which are interesting, connected to nature and free.

I can now say this strategy has worked to move me out of depression and renewed my sense of purpose.

Spent a delightful afternoon at a Master Gardener book club meeting and tomato tasting. So many varieties, colors and flavors. We also sampled dishes made with tomatoes including green tomato pickles, tomato jelly and tomato chutney.

The book everyone was reading was East Wind Melts the Ice by Liza Dalby and she came and did a talk about the book and some of her experiences in Japan. In Japanese culture, the year is divided into 72 seasons that last 5 days each. The book goes through the year and each of the seasons. A very different way of looking a the cycles of nature.

I was intrigued by her because she is a cultural anthropologist who writes both non-fiction and fiction and has credibility in both genres.

Many years ago when I wanted to become a writer, I went back to school in a doctoral program thinking that would 'force' me to write. Well, yes it did, but not in the way I wanted. There is a huge difference between scholarly writing and writing for the public. In her case, after she finished her doctorate and was teaching at the University of Chicago, she realized she also wanted to write fiction. She and I discussed the differences between the styles of writing and the audience.

I was inspired after talking with her to get back to my novel. It is so good to meet someone who is successful at what you want to do - being a writer with an anthropological perspective. She lives nearby and I hope to develop a friendship with her.

Liza studied to be a geisha and did her anthropological fieldwork in Japan. Her website

Just a couple of days before, I had gone to a viewing of The Meaning of Tea, by Scott Chamberlin Hoyt at Traditional Medicinals in Sebastopol. Japan was one of the countries featured in the movie. Others were Morocco, England, France, Taiwan and India.

Four of the people I went to Morocco with were at the film showing. Robin, Shelley, Dorothy, Huck and I went on the Plant Lovers Tour of Morocco in 2007 with Rosemary Gladstar. A memorable trip where we drank a lot of tea.

Finding and Following Your Star - Julie & Julia

Last night, we had a Ladies' Night out. Dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant then off the see Julie & Julia. Five of the six of us had worked together at the Forestville Post Office as Rural Carriers. Two still work at a post office, two are retired, and they put me out to pasture after I got hit by a truck, hurt my shoulder and could no longer deliver mail.

Even though I worked overtime nearly every week, substituted on all the routes, could do all types of mail processing, etc., my classification was "part time" so I had no recourse.

I miss the income, but I do not miss the job. The best part of it I still have - the friends I made - 'comrades in arms.' We share our 'war stories' and our present lives. We all live within a few miles of each other. One woman even lives on my street.

The other part of the job I liked was the dogs. I always carried treats and threw them to the dogs, who waited, with their tails wagging, inside the fences. If the dogs were in the house, they started barking when I came by, fearing they would miss their treat. I left the treats in the mailbox.

We went to see Julie & Julia. A fantastic film. I loved it, for so many reasons. One was Meryl Streep. One of my favorite actors: that woman can play anyone. It's like she channels the person. Truly amazing. The other thing I loved was the walk down memory lane - the 50s and early 60s - my childhood days. Seeing the clothes, cars, furniture etc. was so nostalgic. I envied the marriages these two women had. I have never had a relationship like that in my life. Supportive, smart, employed, gentle, sexy - where did they meet these men? I cried with envy, knowing what a difference it can make to have a partner like that, even though I have never had one.

I realized how much I love to oook and have dinner parties. Yes, when I first moved into my tiny house, I had small dinner parties. I have a large collection of cookbooks and when I travel, I always buy herbs and spices not available here at home. I miss cooking for people.

Julie and Julia, two women who made their mark following their heart's desire. I could see how much difference having a goal that serves as a guiding star, can make in your life.

Right now, I feel lost at sea, anchorless, floundering, adrift. It feels like so many things I have set my hand to have failed. I am truly tired of trying to find something that works. I feel surrounded by loss and endings. I understand now why people are so thrilled when a baby is born. Something new, hope, a new start.

Oh! to have something to look forward too! I find myself whiling away the time playing computer games, accomplishing nothing besides keeping my meat suit alive.

This movie made me laugh and cry. I never watched Julia Child on T.V. I only knew her as the brunt of jokes and slapstick gags. Now I see what a delightful person she was. Truly charming. A magical being. A woman who was herself and by so doing freed others to be themselves. I wish I were more like her. She had a big heart, a warm smile and an infectious laugh. At least, that is how Streep portrayed her and Streep, being who she is, would do all she could to be faithful to the truth of the character.

Long live Julia Child!

Hooked on Farmville

Just what I needed - another addiction. I have just discovered Facebook and one of its games called Farmville. I can't believe that I get up at 6:30 in the morning to plant strawberries so that I can harvest them by 10:30.

Meanwhile my real garden outside is neglected and dry. We are truly moving into a virtual reality.

I am finally able to walk and drive and in two months, the world has moved on and left me behind. I feel like an alien when I do venture forth. I actually prefer to stay home alone.

I find myself unwilling and unable to interact with people in the real world. I only want to live in the virtual world of the Internet. I read posts by others and everyone seems so positive, so up, so full of energy. Am I the only one who feels about to fall into a deep dark hole?

I love to sleep, but each night it alludes me. I have to fight off thoughts of disaster. I am broke, have lost my medical insurance and have 50 bucks to my name. No job, too old to get one and still recovering from a broken ankle. Then, of course, there is the issue of no job to be had.

I am scared. I admit it. I can't keep pretending everything is okay. It's not. When I stay focused on the present moment, I am okay although constantly in pain. Physical pain seems easier to bear than mental and emotional pain.

The only pleasure I have is playing Farmville. Pathetic. But I guess those people who design these things, know how bad off people are these days. The illusion of connection to people and Nature is more satisfying than reality.

Cousin Frank Does it Again!

Yes, he's still running. This time in Seattle for the Rock and Roll Marathon this past weekend.

Here I am on my butt with a broken ankle, can't walk, can't drive and he's up there running for .... how many miles? Boggles the mind. I am going to be happy to walk again.

He started out in San Francisco last year, I think to see if he could do it and got hooked on running. Now it's a regular part of his life.
He looks great, don't you think? Well, he always did. Handsome guy and great dancer! In high school when we wanted to go somewhere that needed a 'date', we would go together. We used to belong to a square dance club because we both liked to dance so much. And we always went roller-skating together. It was cool then (yes, it was a long time ago.)

X number of years ago, he and I took a car trip to Vancouver and brought my dog Gypsy. We camped out and cooked outside on a fire (well, we tried to.) We took the ferry to Victoria Island and hitch-hiked into town. Two elderly ladies picked us up and were so excited to meet us. They insisted that we come to their house for tea. And it was the ultimate English tea experience. Outside in their lovely garden with scones and all. Then they took us into town. They worried we would get stranded and invited us to return and stay if we did.

On the route up north, we stopped in Seattle and visited our cousin Elsie and her husband Paul.

It was a free-wheeling trip by two 20 somethings. We had a great time.

Hey Frank, wanna go to Morocco with me? How about next year?

Plug and Play? In Whose Universe?

My Mayan Hieroglyph Class started last night at the local Junior College. When I first proposed the class the staff at the Community Education office suggested I wait until the Fall, because Summer enrollment is not good and I might be disappointed. The minimum was set at 12 and I got 24, so I am happy about that. One staff member told me many classes were cancelled.

The so-called 'plug and play' computer system was a joke. We just could not connect my laptop to the overhead projector and finally had to use the files on my thumb drive on their system. Unfortunately, the software they had was older than mine and did not support various elements of the newest Power Point and so about 25% of my presentation was either lost or non-functional. I have been working on this for 6 months, so you know how disappointed I was. I couldn't believe that a classroom in the Computer Science Building on campus would have old software and shoddy equipment. Welcome to the budget crunch. I looked longingly at the old-fashioned overhead projector I had requested, wishing I had brought those old transparencies I had made years ago for this class. They would have worked! Next time....

I think the class was successful since the students voted for no break and I had to tell them to leave 10 minutes after the class was to have ended. They were really into it. So glad. I have students who seem to be in their teens (they are probably 30 - but they look young to me LOL) and others maybe in their 80s. A real cross section.

I am still on crutches so I had to teach from a wheelchair. Who said they have made things accessible? It was damn hard to teach a class from a chair, because you can only reach up a foot or so on the blackboard and you have to sit at a strange angle since the chair is in the way. Heaven forbid you have too much pain to twist around like that! There are plenty of special seats and tables for the students, but.... what about disabled instructors?

I have learned a lot about what the disabled have to go through and from now on, I will never take my body for granted. When my two feet both hit the ground together again, I am going to celebrate. I have one week to go, but I'm not sure I'll be able to walk again right away. My foot looks like dead fish and it might take a little physical therapy to wake it up again.

Am I ranting? Sounds like it. But I was so upset by the end of class I couldn't relax for a couple hours afterwards. I am a bit of a perfectionist and control freak (no one who has ever seen the inside of my house would think that, but just ask my friend Steve.) I want everything to run smoothly when I'm teaching a class and if it doesn't, it feels like a nightmare. For me, last night was a nightmare. But the fact that they didn't want a break and had to be told to go home, says a lot about what the students thought.

Someone asked me if they could get a CD of the class. Well, that was my original plan. To make them all CDs as part of their materials package, but when I really got into doing the slide show, and saw that I was going to have 200+ slides, I decided not to do it. But, wouldn't you know it, like a drunk on a binge, my ego blurted out. I told them that had been the plan. NOW WHAT? Does that mean I have to do it? I could just give them an edited version. I could sell them one. Although the school said I couldn't, instructors in this program are always peddling their books and CDs. Today I can't think about it, but we will see.

The Value of Friends

As you have probably figured out by now, I have not been very actively blogging for awhile. One thing and another. Getting ready to teach a class on Mayan Hieroglyphs at Santa Rosa Junior College this summer is one thing that is taking a lot of time.

My new blog on 2012 and reading everything I can on 2012 is taking a lot of time too.

Then I broke my right ankle and cannot walk or drive for a couple of months. I find myself tired just trying to take care of the basics. If not for my friends, I wouldn't even have any food. Someone comes over every couple of days to help me around the house and bring food.

But today, I looked at my BlogCatalog account and found that I had gotten an award from one of my friends in Turkey! That made me really feel good. Thank you Aprill!
Her blog: ShiningDay http://sunshine.blogsever.com/

I haven't yet written about my trip to Turkey in 2005, but it was wonderful. When the economy recovers (if it ever does), I want to go back. I have friends there that I can stay with - in Izmir.

So now it's my turn to pass on the award. Drum roll please.....
The winners are:

Seanymph at Mermaids Treasures http://mermaidstreasures.blogspot.com/
Jackie at Herbs 'n Oils http://herbs-n-oils.blogspot.com/
BetterSpines http://betterspines.com
My gypsygoods http://mygypsygoods.blogspot.com/
EJ Cooksey Halloween For Kids http://halloweenforkids.blogspot.com/
Daisy the Curly Cat http://daisythecurlycat.blogspot.com/
Maitri's Heart... Living in The Moment with Loving-Kindness, Compassion, and Grace...
http://www.magicandmomentsatdragonflycottage.com

If you want to pass it on, here are the 'rules'

1. Put the logo on your blog
2. Add a link to the person who awarded you
3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs
4. Add links to those blogs on yours
5. Leave a message for your nominees on their blog